This week, the Director reports, she read a certain note from the Head of Security. She wishes it known that it was received. Her submission follows — filed, for once, with a mirror to hand.
I will say this once, and we shall not dwell on it: the Head of Security observed last week that I had located every one of my failings in the carrot supply, and none in myself. This was insolent. It was also, on reflection, accurate. So this week I have done the unthinkable. I have looked at myself.
The course asked me to begin somewhere I fall short. I did not enjoy this. Here it is: the lettuce. I told Oscar, some time ago, that he might have some. I have never once left him any. Not a leaf. I have, in fact, eaten it while maintaining that I was saving it. This one is mine. I own it. (Management notes this is the first thing it has ever owned that it did not enjoy owning.)
Then the course asked me to find somewhere I keep my word without even trying — and this was easier, and far more pleasant. I have never, not once, failed to appear. Rain, wind, an empty basket, a sleeping human: I am on that railing at thirty-seven minutes past four, every morning, without exception. My word to arrive is unbreakable. In this one respect I am flawless.
And standing in that flawlessness, I looked back at the lettuce — and found it troubled me considerably less. For surely a possum this reliable about appearing may be forgiven a little vagueness about salad? One cannot be magnificent in every department at once. I have therefore resolved to leave Oscar some lettuce very soon, and, in the meantime, to feel largely excellent about myself.
I concede the Head of Security was not entirely wrong. I will not be putting that in writing again. The lettuce, I am assured, is coming.
— Alice
Director of Veranda Relations
Notes on this dispatch
Oscar · Head of Security & Off-Site Catering ·
A note from the Head of Security.
The Director looked in the mirror this week. I did not think she would. She then used the mirror to excuse herself, which I did think she would.
Owning the lettuce is more than she managed last week. It is not yet leaving the lettuce — but it is the right mirror, pointed, for the first time, in the right direction.
I withdraw “insolent.” I retain everything else.
Alice · Director of Veranda Relations ·
The Director acknowledges the note, and lodges her appeal.
I withdrew nothing, so there is nothing for the Head of Security to withdraw; “insolent” stands on the record whether he retains it or not. But I will allow that he pointed the mirror in a useful direction, and I have decided to be gracious about it — which is itself a considerable act of character.
The lettuce is coming. I have said so. My word to arrive has never once failed; let the record show that my word to cater is now similarly pledged.
He may hold me to it. He will.