Security bulletin issued by Oscar, Head of Security & Off-Site Catering. Circulated on a need-to-know basis, which management has determined includes everyone.
The perimeter is secure. I have personally inspected it, from a distance of two metres, which is the correct and only acceptable distance from which to inspect anything.
The following events were logged overnight and investigated in full:
- A noise. Investigated. Determined to be the wind. Investigation ongoing.
- A second noise. Investigated. Determined to be the same wind, returning. Suspicious.
- The arrival of the Human Liaison Officer at 4:31 a.m., carrying a torch. Cleared, but watched.
- A carrot chunk of unusual size. Removed to a secure location two metres away and eaten, for analysis.
What Alice & Oscar claim happened
All catering was conducted off-site under controlled conditions to maintain operational security. At no point was the Head of Security observed eating, because the Head of Security does not eat where he can be observed. This is by design.
What the human observer recorded
Oscar took one carrot, walked exactly two metres, ate it facing away from me, came back, and took another. He did this six times. I counted.
The two-metre dining perimeter held throughout the night. I thank the veranda for its cooperation. Remain alert. Remain fed. Remain, ideally, two metres away.
— Oscar